frigid air means fragile fingers

I find myself kind of attached to the number 28 right now. It’s a good, solid number for me.

Promise to fill your pockets with posies….

Breathe in, breathe out, survive.

You’re sitting back and wondering why everything feels so completely foreign, and wishing that things, as always, were the way they used to be. If you were 18 again, maybe things wouldn’t be as complicated as they are now. Marc would be alive still, Kent wouldn’t be around to be the douchebag that is married to your mother and hating you every step of the way, and you wouldn’t have to work every angle to make him like you. But thank god you don’t have to anymore; if he never showed his face again, it’d only be too soon. Being the only one who knows what’s going on in your life is tough. You’re used to being the youngest child that shares every vivid detail about her life with the people she cares about; but the older you get, the more you realize that there is nothing good that comes out of that.

Keeping it to yourself isn’t the best option, but it’s the only option that you’ve got. You listen to Alkaline Trio and realize you no longer have that friend to confide in; you get a text halfway to Michigan that you wish you knew how to react to (what do you say to the girl you used to have everything in common with and now know the phrase ‘Mr. Chainsaw’ would mean nothing to anymore?) You are no longer 15 anymore; you can’t escape the ways you used to. Your rent still has to be paid, electricity, cell phone, etc etc… If it were up to you, things would be a lot different. But they aren’t, so you have to face this shit head on, as resistant as you are to it, and you know… you should have grown up years ago. But growing up is an acquired taste; we’ll see if it actually happens.

If I grow up, it’s for one person right now; if he wants me to grow up I’d do that for him. If not…. we’ll see.

i close my eyes and i’m where i was meant to be; 1935 louisiana bayou. nothing but time and history and warm air underneath my wings. almost midnight underneath the moon, nothing but untainted surroundings to distract me, the mosquitos thick and the air finally cool. i’ll dream about the city and all of the big new shiny buildings going up, the possibilities finally endless again. but i’m safe. i’m young in a new world.

Forever Young

Your mind constantly pulls you back 6 years. The simplicity of absolute meaningless despair, however lost on you at the time, was also the best indication of your ability to feel. Now you forget what it feels like to be vivacious and alive. Teenage angst was your favorite state of being, as hopeless as you felt at the time. You had it all. Your youth, the bright future ahead of you, the privilege of not knowing what happens next. 6 years later you’re cynical and jaded, with not a lot of hope for the day ahead of you. Although you know things won’t always feel like they’ve burnt to the ground and are covered in ash; you know that your eyes will open up again and you’ll remove the veil that’s covering them, you still long for what once was. Your Peter Pan complex will always be a part of who you are, just like you’re 5’9” and naturally blonde with green eyes. You grew up too fast too quickly, because at the time that’s all that you wanted. To be an adult with the right to vote and a car to take you anywhere you wanted to go. Now you realize that was the worst thing you could have wanted. You’re given one shot to make the most of what you’re given, and right now you’re dwelling in a place where, in retrospect, things seemed the best they could have gotten. The weekends were your haven. They were what you lived for. The friends you no longer keep in touch with, your heart swelling with love for them, and now you go days and weeks and months without thinking about them. You’ve created a safe new home for your heart; the people you surround yourself with now are people you can’t breathe without. No fighting, no hurt feelings, no baseless dramatics. You’re an adult, with an adult job and an adult perspective, but your heart still lives in the past you’ll never have back. It’s so bittersweet you try your damnedest not to think about it. Someday soon that lust for life will return to your heart and you’ll be alright with where your life ended up, but for now… you really wish you hadn’t been so selfish and taken it all in so quickly. But at 22, you’ve still got so much to see. Let’s see where it takes you next.